Empty Returns

IM and Alcohol
Oh, Come On..We've all Done It.

Got a drunken text message Friday night from Empty. He casually asks "Do I still owe you a drink?" You know, from the time he stood me up at the fucking bar (read early post). For the love of the blog, I reluctantly text back - "Yes, as a matter of fact you do."

Nothing. Did I just get stood up again via text messaging?

Then, 5 hours later, roughly 1am I get this "Maybe this weekend...ended up out anf kinda mashed tonight after see we live in public." Does anyone know what that even means?

Delete for now. I'm still curious.  

Truly Seeking Love

Maybe I'm the Problem, nah?

As usual, I am planning my escape after an hour when he suggests we move on to another bar that has frites! I'm not one to say no to starches, so I agree to go. Next up, he'd like to head to the park to people watch. Before I can shake free, he grabs my hand and leads me down the block. While holding hands, I start to see this guy is genuinely looking to fall in love and it is completely foreign to me. I desperately want to let go and run.

Then it begins, he starts to ask me what I want in a guy. Clearly seeing if it could be him. This is such a loaded question and I tread forward gingerly. I want...fuck me, how does one really answer this without making an ass of themselves by sounding petty. After ducking the question, I finally say "...artist, preferably in film or tv production or post." He doesn't like the answer and reams me on how I've just cut down 99% of the men out there (including him we both notice silently).

As I finally untangle from this date and start to leave, he asks me "so, are you going to kiss me?" What? Here? In front of all these people and in the middle of the walking path?

So, I did.

In a sappy way, it was nice to meet a guy who really wanted to find love. Even if he wasn't the guy for me. Delete.

Huge Omission

Glaring Omissions, Anyone?

So far, so good. He’s well over six feet tall, great tattoos covering his arms, lean body...oh god...he’s wearing a bright green trucker hat. Well, that can be removed I’m sure. Overall, he's definitely cute.

I start off the conversation by asking what he did in the publishing industry. He's an Editor in Chief. SCORE! However, he was recently laid off. BOO! No worries, he may not be working now, but what a great gig. I ask what the magazine was about and he says...porn.

What did I learn? That the devil really IS in the details.

Gotta delete ya.  

Empty

Always Meet Inside

It all starts with a premature breakup. Premature because we haven't even met yet. After 10 emails, he drops those dreaded words...lets just be friends. "You know, because we work in the same industry and all, but flirting is ok" he writes. I wonder if meaningless sex is ok too?

The bar is empty. Literally. I walk in and not a soul is there. It's a bit awkward being the only one there, so I relocate to a table in the back corner. Then, here comes my date. He sits and orders a beer and shot at the bar. He glances my way and there is no recognition. I wait...hmmm, must not be him. He downs the beer, he throws back his shot and then jumps up and leaves without ever glancing my way again. Shit. Maybe it was my date?!

I run over to the bartender. They specialize in these social blunders and he'll know what to do. We decide to text him. Yes, WE, he's part of the date now. Empty writes back and says he was outside waiting for me for 35 minutes. He wonders where I was. Where I was...I was at the bar. I show the bartender a pic for a positive ID. The bartender says "that's him, alright". Bastard!

The lesson learned you ask? If you get stood up by your date, the bartender will be a foster date. And, he picked up my tab too.

Itty Bitty in Pink

Phones Kill Dates..and Pink Vests

I watch my date ride up in his pink vest and lock up his bike across the street. As he casually strolls across the lane to me, I quickly notice he is actually getting shorter. OMG. By the time he reaches me, he has shrunk at least 5 inches. Then it starts to rain. Will he become full size again when wet I wonder?

At the pub, he starts by asking my what I lied about in my profile. Lied about? I think mine is pretty straight forward. He then says "you're getting divorced, you said you were single." Oh, that. Ahem..hehe. "Well, we are separated, live apart, and filing. It's a time thing, but is in the works." I asked him "and what could you have lied about?" He seems immediately irritated and barks back "I think we both know it was my height." Yes, we did indeed both know that.

Then it happened. Our conversation took a turn towards the weather and the torrential rain storms headed our way. He pulled out his iphone with a handy weather application showing the storms progression to NY. I informed him we would be spared due to the Coriolis Effect (aka trade winds). He suddenly stands up so we are eye to eye and then pulls me in for a kiss. WTF! My Atmospheric Science class vocabulary from over a decade ago apparently does it for him. Ewww.

Then, embarrassed that I just made out with a pink vested smurf in public, I grab my iphone for companionship and support. He takes this as a sign the date is over and jumps up to leave. Stunned yet again by the sudden change in his mood, I decide I'm late for my make believe dinner and need to leave immediately.

I learned a very important dating cue that evening. If you reach for the phone, it could be interpreted that you'd like the date to be over. This can be a valuable tool. I give the gift "quick closure" to you.

Delete.