Class Warefare

I recently flew back from Australia on Virgin Airlines. We (my cousin and I) splurged and upgraded to "Premium Economy".  For being "High Low-End" It was REALLY nice including larger chairs, foot rests, champagne when you arrive and private bathrooms.  Spending 15 hours on a plane these things become very important, especially after 7 hours when you start to smell like a funnel cake.

Halfway over the Pacific, I receive a text from 95A. OMG...who is this texting me??? Better yet, are there really 95 rows on this plane? I immediately got excited because the economy seats were filled up with Aussie Rules football players. Do you have to be a model to play, is that the "Aussie Rule"?  I instantly asked if this suitor was in sports. He confirmed. Yay! I asked what position. He dodged the question. Turns out, he was a ski instructor.  Boo!

He wanted to meet for a drink. Is there a bar I'm unaware of here? After a few more probing questions, I realized he was 24 - at best. He even walked through my cabin at one point on the sly. Please! Like I wouldn't notice that move. I politely let him know I'm going to take a nap and may slum with him in the back later. Besides the seat-belt sign was on. 

Ding. The sign went off.  Then, I hear "Kim!!"...."KIM!!!". It's him. He's in the seat across the aisle enjoying the splendor of my premium status. The steward offers him a drink and he is ready to reassign himself to my cabin. I don't think so.

DELETE!

3 Kids, 1 Party

It's been awhile, but I'm feeling up to the complete anguish of dating once more. To kick off this new found enthusiasm for awkward encounters, I went out with a 41 year old father of three. His emails were a bit, um, nerdy. But, that's cool, I like nerds.

I head to the bar early to pick out some prime property, order a non-alcoholic beer, and wait. Oh, yeah, the NA beer, about that... from earlier posts you will know that I typically don't drink on these dates, but I do typically lie about this point. It's kinda my thing.

So, the guy sits down and immediately tells the waitress "I'll have what's she's having." Awe, fuck! I fess up and tell him he has just cheated himself out of a real drink. But, he's cool with it. Disaster averted.

Then, follows a barrage of his drunken stories. He not only likes drinking, he loves it. He does it until 9am with different "Matches" as much as possible. Did I mention he was unemployed? Or, that he left his wife after 20 years? The one who took care of the kids instead of working and is now forced into the worst job market ever? No, ok, well - DELETE!

Mother May I, Take Two

I told a little white lie on the last entry...I did go on a date with "Mother May I". He wasn't a mandatory delete by bad picture, but it was an omen.

First, the facts. It's my first date in a year. He was 15 years my senior. We met on a sunny, cold Sunday at a pub around 4pm. The date consisted of him slipping in the ages of everyone he mentioned. It was similar to reading a celebrity rag. He highlighted his cool, hip friends and then would follow up with "and she is 34 and her other friend was 36." Look, when you are 51 you are 51. Telling your date you missed a decade (what does that mean anyway?) does not entitle you to shaving off ten years. No way. You earned them, now deal with it. Besides, with that logic, your friends should all be in their 40s dude.  That's the math.

Secondly, why do men talk about their ex-girlfriends?  Highlighting poorly executed relationships that end with you yelling for her to open her front door to explain why she no longer takes your call is LAME. It's sad. It's not dating banter. These send up red flags like missiles during the "Shock and Awe" campaign.  She left you because you are scary...so, don't be scary.

One last thing for the guys, drop the "I always date wild girls and then when I want to settle down, they don't" bullshit. If you are attracted to crazy, you'll date crazy, and you'll always be on her doorstep screaming and scaring off potential girlfriends with the after story. Just some free advice.

Mother May I

I get an email through match.com from a older gentleman asking if I'd be willing to consider him for a date. He is closer to my stepmother's age than mine, so I request another pair of eyes to check out his profile. As I click through photos my friend (second pair of eyes)  is pushing me towards going on the date. Click, yet another close up of him - head tilted to the right. Click, same photo cropped in. Click, photo divulging women on his arm. Then, my friend shrieks with delight that he even included a photo of his mother. Click on thumbnail, that's not his mother...that's him.

Delete.

To Beat a Dead Horse

As I venture farther and farther into the depths of the online dating world, I've noticed that it's cool now for very young men to date women in their 30's. FINALLY, society is turning a corner. As best I can tell, this youngin' is looking for some career advice in exchange for sex (or am I just overly optimistic there) and a lesson on how to produce beer that can kill large animals. Jim Jones in training?

He writes, "If you were ever interested in having a creative fling with a spunky and ridiculous 23 year old, now's your chance

Mold me into a better stop motion animator and I'll teach you how to make beer that will make a horse giggle, whinny, roll over, and die"

Date or Delete...hard to say. I'll see how desperate 2010 feels next week.

Serious Single

Ike reached out to me today in the most of unusual ways. 

"My name is Ike. I am mr serious single very long 5 years now not play game I am mr serious good person angel. Are you serious single ?. I'm sit don't have lady dating there plentyoffish .I live alone in Brooklyn,NY 11216. If You do thinking we are good weak match angel faith. Sound ms are you serious nice person caucasinan good match me mr black relationship or dating ?. I'm not looking no single black women someone Brooklyn and NYC. Your place NYC to Brooklyn like 15 or 20 mins near us."

Well, Ike...me not serious single angel faith, nor want mr serious person angel relationship - DELETE.

The Group Date

My friend (you know who you are) invited me out to meet his available guy friend in the music industry. However, said guy was celebrating his birthday that evening. With, I might add, 80 of his closest rocker friends. After being smothered by celebrators trying to buy frothy beverages at the bar. Yes, I was the fool sitting at the bar blocking the thirsty. It was time for me to count this one as a temporary loss and head out.

Not sure if this should be considered a date...but, it ended with me sitting down to a private dinner for one and then straight to bed alone. So, it does end like all of my other dates.

Delete for now.

The Quick Getaway

The first good date to report. And, it's a milestone because this guy was normal, dressed cute, fun, intelligent, engaged (not to another women, but interested in the conversation) and employed. He even won the bonus round by owning his own apartment in the West Village. Ding. Ding. Ding.

After three hours of chatting, we leave the bar and stroll down to the corner. I casually let him know I would be interested in another date sometime. ...Should we hug, not hug...okay we're hugging now. Then, he zips across the street and vanishes. Kind of a Twilight moment actually. I'm left there, in the rain, not sure if it was a success or a total ruin.

My coworkers tell me not to write him until three days from now. So, I write him immediately.  We'll see.

Was I deleted?

Sharpie Incident

As a general rule, men shouldn't use photos that include past girlfriends. It's weird. But, even weirder is when said man blacks out the face of an ex girlfriend to repurpose the photo instead of, oh, I don't know, using the CROP tool. Don't be so lazy. Crop out ex lovers online just like you do in real life.  This looks like a face scribbling from The Ring. Not good.

Delete.

Empty is Back Again!

OMG, I received a message this morning from Empty. He's back, again!

To catch you up, he asked me out on a date and then stood me up at the bar. Then, he sent a text message asking me out again a month later and, well, he stood me up. At least that time I didn't leave my house...I was luckily ditched pre-makeup and wardrobe.  Now, he wants to talk on the phone, I'm guessing, so he can stand me up via a different technology.

hmmmmmm, may not delete just yet.