Too Demanding


 Check.

Received this email from a guy today on OKCupid, he writes "I'm attracted to thin women. Women who are younger than myself with no children at home. I am drawn to a woman who trys to be a good person. She should be ready for a committed relationship." and then he ends it with "She must be a big fan of my acting talent."

Thin, check. Younger than him, oh yeah by decades, check. No children at home, check. Big fan of acting talent...delete.

Plain Exhausting


 HELP!

He is overly manic and very touchy from the get go. He comes in and orders a beer and then tells me the story of how he was knocked unconscious and mugged last week. 12 staples in his head and bruises all over his chest. He orders another beer and then asks if I'd like a refill. Here's the problem...I don't drink anymore. And, I know this makes people uncomfortable and feel they shouldn't either. So, I usually "fake drink" by ordering a faux beer. This place didn't have any, so the bartender recommended a coke in a fancy beer mug when I first arrived there. Well, he snatches it out of my hand and holds it to the light screaming "What is this? Fancy wine? Is this a beer? What's it called?" I'm about to purge "it's a coke!" when he hands it back. Well, I'm freaked out and know I need to down the evidence in case a second interrogation is coming. Which I'm doing when he yelps "lets smoke!"

We quickly slam the drinks and head outside for him to smoke. Abruptly, he decides he needs money from an ATM when he notices a sushi place. He all of the sudden needs sushi and needs it now. I keep telling him I've already eaten and don't want any. Resistance is futile and I'm drug into the tiny restaurant. 

An absolute downward spiral begins at this point with him complaining about the following. 1.) I don't eat what he wants to eat, 2.) I'm like the rest of his failed dates and he'll never do this site again,  3.) he admits he was worried about my looks because my one and only photo was blurry, 4.) he flirted with the two blondes at the table next to us while I was in the bathroom and then 5.) we argued about aliens invading the Earth. Specifically could they even get here and if they did would they show themselves. The answer is yes and probably not.


I'm ready to run, when he says he'll walk me home. WTF? After convincing him I can make it on my own, he then insists that I allow him to reshoot my mug for a better online dating picture. Which he does. But, somehow in the middle of his impromptu photo shoot he runs over and starts making out with me.  I'm not into PDA to begin with, but this is straight up insult to injury. I untangle his tongue from mine and then untangle my evening from his by heading home. 

This is the moment I realized I may never find anyone ever again. What started as a mildly humorous date quickly turned into a deep rooted fear, not of being alone, but of constantly meeting people who are absolutely wrong for me. Luckily, when I got home The Housewives of Atlanta was on and I instantly felt better about my life. DELETE!

Typical Wall Street

I'm Over Here.

Guys out there, pay attention to a little advice I have for you...don't flirt or check out other women while on a date. For the love of god listen to me!

My date walks up and we both know instantly it's not a match. It's actually the equivalent to meeting a stranger in the produce section at your supermarket and deciding to have dinner with them. He knows finance and I know post production and together we know nothing the other wants to hear about. It was a series of defining what you are talking about. Like equity vs Avids. Huh?

Then, the waitress catches his eye and it's on. His flirting is off the chart and I feel I should give her my seat and go grab the drink order for them. Which, I have to admit, even though I know he's not "the one"...or two, or three for that matter, is still highly annoying. I mean come on, I'm right there. And, more so, it's the fact that she knows she could easily walk off with my date. The little lioness in me lost and I hate losing. Even things I don't want. Ugh.

Dating sucks. Delete.

The Exhibitionist

Is that really your...

I'm perusing through profile pictures when I stumble across one of a fully erect penis. A rather large one at that. In case you didn't like the first angle, the guy supplied two more shots one from the side and one from ahem...below. His profile reads completely normal including things like he has exceptionally good posture, he's looked up the word otiose and he tends to attract women who are somewhat aggressive.

I'm tempted to ask him out, but there wasn't a head shot. And, by that I mean a picture of his face. Oh, otiose means ineffective or futile...thought I'd save you the time looking it up. Hmmmm, delete.

The Client

One Non-Blonde

I'm in sales. Not sure if you have ever had a sales job, but it has a tendency to feel like dating if you are doing it right. Like on Friday, when I took a client to lunch. He quickly pre-qualified me by asking my age. He confessed he would get along with my parents because he was a die hard republican (gross). He even said he could get a small place on the island. A little love nest I guess. And, just like a date, he kept checking out the two blonde models at the table next to us.

After returning from the bathroom, my date...I mean client was engaged with the 20 somethings. When he finally notices me coming back down the long hallway, he quickly disengages conversation mid-sentence and stares at his plate. I felt like the wife who was seated next to her husband's mistress at a party. SO AWKWARD!

Then, to top it off, when we leave he shoves me out the door and then turns to whisper good bye. Seriously, as if my dating life is fucked up enough, now my work dates are equally depressing. For the men out there: one meeting at a time damn you! Delete.

Typical Wall Street

Bailout Already?

I did a little online snooping, or as I usually label it "research", for my upcoming date. He is a referral from a friend. And, with this little blog thing going down, I say yes to anyone. Well, that's not true, I did say no to a rickshaw operator at Central Park. Standards, check!

After the introductions email, I Facebook him. He is actually incredibly good looking by varsity football standards, a finance guy with a sparkle in his eye, has lots of friends who spend time in the Hampton's and we are obviously not a match. Also, and maybe I'm the only one who dislikes this, but his picture is cropped from a photo with him and another women. Crop tighter people! No one wants to see your ex in the photo before a date.

To make a short story shorter, he bailed. Has a cold and can't come out to play. I think someone else knows how to use Facebook too. Damn it. And, delete.

He Demands Proof

Buyer Beware?

My guy friend, who also partakes in some online dating, tells me to use full body shots for my profile. He quips "...men don't trust head shots". They believe that women are disguising a weight issue by cropping the fat off from the neck down, leaving a cute little face for bait.

Thinking this is totally absurd and not having any good body shots, I ignore this concept. Besides, a guy is already talking to me. We email back and forth asking random questions for about 15 emails each in one evening. It was fun. He agrees to a drink. We initiate the date planning process, when he abruptly asks for some more photos.

Really? Fucker.
Delete.

My Best Geographical Dating


The clever interns at OkCupid sent me the geographical areas where I'm most likely to find my match. And the results are...

Your Best States

Massachusetts — 58.3
California — 58.1
New York — 56.4
Hawaii — 55.9
Oregon — 55.5

Your Worst States

South Dakota — 44.3
North Dakota — 45.4
Arkansas — 46.5
Nebraska — 46.6
Oklahoma — 48.2

My Best Countries
Columbia - 63.5
Brazil - 61.3
Switzerland - 59.8
Thailand - 59.7
Israel - 59.5

My Worst Countries
Pakistan - 33.8
Saudi Arabia - 37.1
Egypt - 37.4
Indonesia - 39.2
Lithuania - 42.9

In all, this looks about right. I apparently need to vacation in Massachusetts, who knew? I'll cross the Middle East off my list of vacationing countries for 2010. Sorry, Pakistan.