Class Warefare

I recently flew back from Australia on Virgin Airlines. We (my cousin and I) splurged and upgraded to "Premium Economy".  For being "High Low-End" It was REALLY nice including larger chairs, foot rests, champagne when you arrive and private bathrooms.  Spending 15 hours on a plane these things become very important, especially after 7 hours when you start to smell like a funnel cake.

Halfway over the Pacific, I receive a text from 95A. OMG...who is this texting me??? Better yet, are there really 95 rows on this plane? I immediately got excited because the economy seats were filled up with Aussie Rules football players. Do you have to be a model to play, is that the "Aussie Rule"?  I instantly asked if this suitor was in sports. He confirmed. Yay! I asked what position. He dodged the question. Turns out, he was a ski instructor.  Boo!

He wanted to meet for a drink. Is there a bar I'm unaware of here? After a few more probing questions, I realized he was 24 - at best. He even walked through my cabin at one point on the sly. Please! Like I wouldn't notice that move. I politely let him know I'm going to take a nap and may slum with him in the back later. Besides the seat-belt sign was on. 

Ding. The sign went off.  Then, I hear "Kim!!"...."KIM!!!". It's him. He's in the seat across the aisle enjoying the splendor of my premium status. The steward offers him a drink and he is ready to reassign himself to my cabin. I don't think so.

DELETE!

3 Kids, 1 Party

It's been awhile, but I'm feeling up to the complete anguish of dating once more. To kick off this new found enthusiasm for awkward encounters, I went out with a 41 year old father of three. His emails were a bit, um, nerdy. But, that's cool, I like nerds.

I head to the bar early to pick out some prime property, order a non-alcoholic beer, and wait. Oh, yeah, the NA beer, about that... from earlier posts you will know that I typically don't drink on these dates, but I do typically lie about this point. It's kinda my thing.

So, the guy sits down and immediately tells the waitress "I'll have what's she's having." Awe, fuck! I fess up and tell him he has just cheated himself out of a real drink. But, he's cool with it. Disaster averted.

Then, follows a barrage of his drunken stories. He not only likes drinking, he loves it. He does it until 9am with different "Matches" as much as possible. Did I mention he was unemployed? Or, that he left his wife after 20 years? The one who took care of the kids instead of working and is now forced into the worst job market ever? No, ok, well - DELETE!

Mother May I, Take Two

I told a little white lie on the last entry...I did go on a date with "Mother May I". He wasn't a mandatory delete by bad picture, but it was an omen.

First, the facts. It's my first date in a year. He was 15 years my senior. We met on a sunny, cold Sunday at a pub around 4pm. The date consisted of him slipping in the ages of everyone he mentioned. It was similar to reading a celebrity rag. He highlighted his cool, hip friends and then would follow up with "and she is 34 and her other friend was 36." Look, when you are 51 you are 51. Telling your date you missed a decade (what does that mean anyway?) does not entitle you to shaving off ten years. No way. You earned them, now deal with it. Besides, with that logic, your friends should all be in their 40s dude.  That's the math.

Secondly, why do men talk about their ex-girlfriends?  Highlighting poorly executed relationships that end with you yelling for her to open her front door to explain why she no longer takes your call is LAME. It's sad. It's not dating banter. These send up red flags like missiles during the "Shock and Awe" campaign.  She left you because you are scary...so, don't be scary.

One last thing for the guys, drop the "I always date wild girls and then when I want to settle down, they don't" bullshit. If you are attracted to crazy, you'll date crazy, and you'll always be on her doorstep screaming and scaring off potential girlfriends with the after story. Just some free advice.

Mother May I

I get an email through match.com from a older gentleman asking if I'd be willing to consider him for a date. He is closer to my stepmother's age than mine, so I request another pair of eyes to check out his profile. As I click through photos my friend (second pair of eyes)  is pushing me towards going on the date. Click, yet another close up of him - head tilted to the right. Click, same photo cropped in. Click, photo divulging women on his arm. Then, my friend shrieks with delight that he even included a photo of his mother. Click on thumbnail, that's not his mother...that's him.

Delete.

To Beat a Dead Horse

As I venture farther and farther into the depths of the online dating world, I've noticed that it's cool now for very young men to date women in their 30's. FINALLY, society is turning a corner. As best I can tell, this youngin' is looking for some career advice in exchange for sex (or am I just overly optimistic there) and a lesson on how to produce beer that can kill large animals. Jim Jones in training?

He writes, "If you were ever interested in having a creative fling with a spunky and ridiculous 23 year old, now's your chance

Mold me into a better stop motion animator and I'll teach you how to make beer that will make a horse giggle, whinny, roll over, and die"

Date or Delete...hard to say. I'll see how desperate 2010 feels next week.

Serious Single

Ike reached out to me today in the most of unusual ways. 

"My name is Ike. I am mr serious single very long 5 years now not play game I am mr serious good person angel. Are you serious single ?. I'm sit don't have lady dating there plentyoffish .I live alone in Brooklyn,NY 11216. If You do thinking we are good weak match angel faith. Sound ms are you serious nice person caucasinan good match me mr black relationship or dating ?. I'm not looking no single black women someone Brooklyn and NYC. Your place NYC to Brooklyn like 15 or 20 mins near us."

Well, Ike...me not serious single angel faith, nor want mr serious person angel relationship - DELETE.

The Group Date

My friend (you know who you are) invited me out to meet his available guy friend in the music industry. However, said guy was celebrating his birthday that evening. With, I might add, 80 of his closest rocker friends. After being smothered by celebrators trying to buy frothy beverages at the bar. Yes, I was the fool sitting at the bar blocking the thirsty. It was time for me to count this one as a temporary loss and head out.

Not sure if this should be considered a date...but, it ended with me sitting down to a private dinner for one and then straight to bed alone. So, it does end like all of my other dates.

Delete for now.

The Quick Getaway

The first good date to report. And, it's a milestone because this guy was normal, dressed cute, fun, intelligent, engaged (not to another women, but interested in the conversation) and employed. He even won the bonus round by owning his own apartment in the West Village. Ding. Ding. Ding.

After three hours of chatting, we leave the bar and stroll down to the corner. I casually let him know I would be interested in another date sometime. ...Should we hug, not hug...okay we're hugging now. Then, he zips across the street and vanishes. Kind of a Twilight moment actually. I'm left there, in the rain, not sure if it was a success or a total ruin.

My coworkers tell me not to write him until three days from now. So, I write him immediately.  We'll see.

Was I deleted?

Sharpie Incident

As a general rule, men shouldn't use photos that include past girlfriends. It's weird. But, even weirder is when said man blacks out the face of an ex girlfriend to repurpose the photo instead of, oh, I don't know, using the CROP tool. Don't be so lazy. Crop out ex lovers online just like you do in real life.  This looks like a face scribbling from The Ring. Not good.

Delete.

Empty is Back Again!

OMG, I received a message this morning from Empty. He's back, again!

To catch you up, he asked me out on a date and then stood me up at the bar. Then, he sent a text message asking me out again a month later and, well, he stood me up. At least that time I didn't leave my house...I was luckily ditched pre-makeup and wardrobe.  Now, he wants to talk on the phone, I'm guessing, so he can stand me up via a different technology.

hmmmmmm, may not delete just yet.

Low Expectations

I swear I'm kind of trying to date. I do want to continue my dating saga of a blog. That being said, I get some weirdo on Plenty of Fish who writes to let me know the following "you want a straight guy that will take you to a dog show? and he needs to live in manhattan? rethink that equation and you will open up the field to more possibilities...good luck to you but you seem to have pigeon holed yourself..."

I didn't realize finding a male in Manhattan that dates women and likes dogs would be pigeon holing myself. Really, is it too much for a girl to ask for? Seriously, is it?

DELETE!

Too Demanding

 Check.

Received this email from a guy today on OKCupid, he writes "I'm attracted to thin women. Women who are younger than myself with no children at home. I am drawn to a woman who trys to be a good person. She should be ready for a committed relationship." and then he ends it with "She must be a big fan of my acting talent."

Thin, check. Younger than him, oh yeah by decades, check. No children at home, check. Big fan of acting talent...delete.

Plain Exhausting

 HELP!

He is overly manic and very touchy from the get go. He comes in and orders a beer and then tells me the story of how he was knocked unconscious and mugged last week. 12 staples in his head and bruises all over his chest. He orders another beer and then asks if I'd like a refill. Here's the problem...I don't drink anymore. And, I know this makes people uncomfortable and feel they shouldn't either. So, I usually "fake drink" by ordering a faux beer. This place didn't have any, so the bartender recommended a coke in a fancy beer mug when I first arrived there. Well, he snatches it out of my hand and holds it to the light screaming "What is this? Fancy wine? Is this a beer? What's it called?" I'm about to purge "it's a coke!" when he hands it back. Well, I'm freaked out and know I need to down the evidence in case a second interrogation is coming. Which I'm doing when he yelps "lets smoke!"

We quickly slam the drinks and head outside for him to smoke. Abruptly, he decides he needs money from an ATM when he notices a sushi place. He all of the sudden needs sushi and needs it now. I keep telling him I've already eaten and don't want any. Resistance is futile and I'm drug into the tiny restaurant. 

An absolute downward spiral begins at this point with him complaining about the following. 1.) I don't eat what he wants to eat, 2.) I'm like the rest of his failed dates and he'll never do this site again,  3.) he admits he was worried about my looks because my one and only photo was blurry, 4.) he flirted with the two blondes at the table next to us while I was in the bathroom and then 5.) we argued about aliens invading the Earth. Specifically could they even get here and if they did would they show themselves. The answer is yes and probably not.


I'm ready to run, when he says he'll walk me home. WTF? After convincing him I can make it on my own, he then insists that I allow him to reshoot my mug for a better online dating picture. Which he does. But, somehow in the middle of his impromptu photo shoot he runs over and starts making out with me.  I'm not into PDA to begin with, but this is straight up insult to injury. I untangle his tongue from mine and then untangle my evening from his by heading home. 

This is the moment I realized I may never find anyone ever again. What started as a mildly humorous date quickly turned into a deep rooted fear, not of being alone, but of constantly meeting people who are absolutely wrong for me. Luckily, when I got home The Housewives of Atlanta was on and I instantly felt better about my life. DELETE!

Typical Wall Street

I'm Over Here.

Guys out there, pay attention to a little advice I have for you...don't flirt or check out other women while on a date. For the love of god listen to me!

My date walks up and we both know instantly it's not a match. It's actually the equivalent to meeting a stranger in the produce section at your supermarket and deciding to have dinner with them. He knows finance and I know post production and together we know nothing the other wants to hear about. It was a series of defining what you are talking about. Like equity vs Avids. Huh?

Then, the waitress catches his eye and it's on. His flirting is off the chart and I feel I should give her my seat and go grab the drink order for them. Which, I have to admit, even though I know he's not "the one"...or two, or three for that matter, is still highly annoying. I mean come on, I'm right there. And, more so, it's the fact that she knows she could easily walk off with my date. The little lioness in me lost and I hate losing. Even things I don't want. Ugh.

Dating sucks. Delete.

The Exhibitionist

Is that really your...

I'm perusing through profile pictures when I stumble across one of a fully erect penis. A rather large one at that. In case you didn't like the first angle, the guy supplied two more shots one from the side and one from ahem...below. His profile reads completely normal including things like he has exceptionally good posture, he's looked up the word otiose and he tends to attract women who are somewhat aggressive.

I'm tempted to ask him out, but there wasn't a head shot. And, by that I mean a picture of his face. Oh, otiose means ineffective or futile...thought I'd save you the time looking it up. Hmmmm, delete.

The Client

One Non-Blonde

I'm in sales. Not sure if you have ever had a sales job, but it has a tendency to feel like dating if you are doing it right. Like on Friday, when I took a client to lunch. He quickly pre-qualified me by asking my age. He confessed he would get along with my parents because he was a die hard republican (gross). He even said he could get a small place on the island. A little love nest I guess. And, just like a date, he kept checking out the two blonde models at the table next to us.

After returning from the bathroom, my date...I mean client was engaged with the 20 somethings. When he finally notices me coming back down the long hallway, he quickly disengages conversation mid-sentence and stares at his plate. I felt like the wife who was seated next to her husband's mistress at a party. SO AWKWARD!

Then, to top it off, when we leave he shoves me out the door and then turns to whisper good bye. Seriously, as if my dating life is fucked up enough, now my work dates are equally depressing. For the men out there: one meeting at a time damn you! Delete.

Typical Wall Street

Bailout Already?

I did a little online snooping, or as I usually label it "research", for my upcoming date. He is a referral from a friend. And, with this little blog thing going down, I say yes to anyone. Well, that's not true, I did say no to a rickshaw operator at Central Park. Standards, check!

After the introductions email, I Facebook him. He is actually incredibly good looking by varsity football standards, a finance guy with a sparkle in his eye, has lots of friends who spend time in the Hampton's and we are obviously not a match. Also, and maybe I'm the only one who dislikes this, but his picture is cropped from a photo with him and another women. Crop tighter people! No one wants to see your ex in the photo before a date.

To make a short story shorter, he bailed. Has a cold and can't come out to play. I think someone else knows how to use Facebook too. Damn it. And, delete.

He Demands Proof

Buyer Beware?

My guy friend, who also partakes in some online dating, tells me to use full body shots for my profile. He quips "...men don't trust head shots". They believe that women are disguising a weight issue by cropping the fat off from the neck down, leaving a cute little face for bait.

Thinking this is totally absurd and not having any good body shots, I ignore this concept. Besides, a guy is already talking to me. We email back and forth asking random questions for about 15 emails each in one evening. It was fun. He agrees to a drink. We initiate the date planning process, when he abruptly asks for some more photos.

Really? Fucker.
Delete.

My Best Geographical Dating

The clever interns at OkCupid sent me the geographical areas where I'm most likely to find my match. And the results are...

Your Best States
Massachusetts — 58.3
California — 58.1
New York — 56.4
Hawaii — 55.9
Oregon — 55.5

Your Worst States
South Dakota — 44.3
North Dakota — 45.4
Arkansas — 46.5
Nebraska — 46.6
Oklahoma — 48.2

My Best Countries
Columbia - 63.5
Brazil - 61.3
Switzerland - 59.8
Thailand - 59.7
Israel - 59.5

My Worst Countries
Pakistan - 33.8
Saudi Arabia - 37.1
Egypt - 37.4
Indonesia - 39.2
Lithuania - 42.9

In all, this looks about right. I apparently need to vacation in Massachusetts, who knew? I'll cross the Middle East off my list of vacationing countries for 2010. Sorry, Pakistan.

Empty Returns

IM and Alcohol
Oh, Come On..We've all Done It.

Got a drunken text message Friday night from Empty. He casually asks "Do I still owe you a drink?" You know, from the time he stood me up at the fucking bar (read early post). For the love of the blog, I reluctantly text back - "Yes, as a matter of fact you do."

Nothing. Did I just get stood up again via text messaging?

Then, 5 hours later, roughly 1am I get this "Maybe this weekend...ended up out anf kinda mashed tonight after see we live in public." Does anyone know what that even means?

Delete for now. I'm still curious.